A big aspect of what I do as a Matchmaker, is helping people transition from single life to being in a relationship, and as a Relationship Coach for people who might already be in relationships gain a better understanding about their partner to enjoy a more fulfilling relationship. As per my last vlog/blog, the month of November is all about sex, which is an integral part of a relationship and for some people, it is an ‘extremely important’, ‘10 out of 10’, ‘must-have’ whereas for other people, it may only be a ‘2 out of 10’ – what makes your relationship is entirely based on your perceptions. So this week, I want to stretch your mind and talk about infidelity.
WHAT IS INFIDELITY? HOW DO YOU DETERMINE WHAT AN INFIDELITY ACTUALLY MEANS TO YOU?
Infidelities all boil down to your values and your perception of an infidelity. What some people might consider an act of being unfaithful, other people may think differently. I wanted to analyse the topic further this week, so I created and launched a National Survey consisting of questions related to infidelity and other modern day dating issues.
So far, 88.6% of participants them believe having sex with someone other than your partner is considered to be unfaithful. I know what you’re thinking – 11.4% of participants don’t find this an infidelity! Please remember: there are no right or wrong answers, it’s all based on your perceptions and values. Other questions asked in the survey regarding infidelity included “Is watching porn without your partner an infidelity?” or “Is being on a dating site your partner doesn’t know about, classed as an infidelity?” The statistics I have been receiving so far in answer to these questions have certainly been fascinating!
INFIDELITIES DON’T ALWAYS JUST APPLY TO THE COUPLE IN A RELATIONSHIP – THINK OF THE OTHERS WHO MAY BE UNAWARE & INVOLVED
Last year, I was participating in a Tinder experiment and I saw one of my friends’ husbands on the app. Whilst I don’t judge other people’s relationships as whatever they want to do in their relationship is not my business. However, if my friend found out, would she think I’m being unfaithful to her by not letting her know?
Infidelities don’t just happen in intimate relationships, they happen outside of those as well. Brothers, sisters, parents, friends, colleagues – we can all have the perception someone has done wrong by us because they haven’t done what we would’ve done which is due to having different values. What if my friend found out I knew? This fact made me realise it’s not just about the two people in the relationship if it also involves other users of the app who want to meet someone and potentially getting involved with a person who is in a relationship or married and having no idea about it! This as a result, can really hurt all people involved. What are your thoughts on this situation? Is this an infidelity for you? What about having a lap dance, or erotic massage with a climax at the end? Would you class these as infidelities?
Having an emotional connection with someone and discussing issues outside of the relationship with someone else (who is not a professional) – is this an infidelity to the sanctity of a relationship? Every single person is different and when we inject our values onto someone else, asking them not to do something because we think it’s wrong is our perception(s) of the situation. They are very much your own entitlements and the commitment you have to yourself, but it is the only commitment you can really ask for because no one is going to be committed to anyone else unless they are serving their values or they have exactly the same values which is very unlikely.
CONSIDER THE PERCEPTIONS AND VALUES OF OTHERS – ESPECIALLY YOUR PARTNERS!
When you meet someone new, you may be having sex three times a day, seven days a week. Your hormones go crazy! Testosterone and estrogen deepen your adrenaline oxytocin which is released by both sexes during orgasm. Theory has it that this is one of the main reasons you feel closer after sex as it’s the love hormone, so couples who have more sex, the deeper the bond becomes – the brain releases dopamine (the feel good chemical) so you become absolutely infatuated with this person and are making love as much as possible, but after a while, it slows down and the relationship moves to a different point. For some people, sex is still 10 out of 10 in importance for a relationship whereas for other people, there are higher priorities. So, if someone who has a 10 out of 10 need for sex has a partner who has a 2 out of 10 need for sex, it becomes quite evident the individual with the higher sex drives needs are not being met so they’re more likely to find other ways to express themselves sexually. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re sleeping with someone else but they will find another way for the suppression to be relieved.
I remember a very wise teacher and Human Behaviourist saying in a seminar: “anything you’re not prepared to do, you delegate.” I don’t want to wash my car, so I delegate someone else to do it for me. In a relationship, if your partner wants to express their sexual needs but you don’t want to, you have to understand your values are different. They find relief from watching porn, so who are we to say “no, you’re not allowed to.” Just think outside of your values – and remember, we all see things differently and yours are going to be very different.
If you have been in a relationship where your partner has been unfaithful and you haven’t been able to forgive them, the aftermath of the betrayal can be extremely difficult which can make it even harder to trust again. I have an extremely good system that we can work through together to help you with this emotional block. If you are in a relationship and want to keep the relationship together, I can certainly assist you in understanding different perceptions and views of others. No matter what the issue may be, connect with me on Facebook; send me a Direct Message or enquire through my website (www.louannewardmatchmaking.com.au) – my new website is also launching soon called Emotive Health regarding my Coaching Sessions, so please stay tuned!
Thank you for helping me spread the love!
Until next week.