For every ‘single’ person I meet and let’s face it as a matchmaker I meet a few – There is a common link between those who connect easily with others and maintain relationships and those who can’t seem to stay connected in a relationship.
So what’s really going on?
Meeting someone who is Charismatic, intelligent, motivated and confident or looking at someone’s profile they can appear as an exciting prospect, you scratch your head wondering how they can be single.
We learn many skills in life, starting from childhood where our parents teach us what they know, what they have been taught about right and wrong based on their values, – then we go to school and our teachers teach us what they are told to teach us. We leave school and life teaches us and educates us – some graduating from university the others from the school of hard knocks. Academic skills versus life skills – is one more important than the other? Is it possible to have both?
When it comes to relationships I’m going to say yes one is more important than the other. Let’s not assume relationships are all romance based, relationships have many forms including parents/children, boss/employees, brother/sister, friends/family etc. The way we manage and interact within our relationships has a massive impact on life satisfaction and fulfillment.
As much as we are taught the basic necessities to walk, talk, read, write and developmental and social skills from a young age, the lack of development and teaching about emotional intelligence (EI) is stunting the natural evolution of relationships.
The very essence of a relationship is to share, learn, grow, and become fulfilled, relationships are an equal balance of fair exchange, support, and challenge, positives and negatives they bring you into awareness of vulnerability and the desire to love and be loved. What once seemed simple has become a disillusioned, disinterested and confused society trying to understand the big bad world of modern dating and relationships.
The missing link is that nobody is taking the time to educate and empower emotional intelligence. Like every skill, EI is a learned skill. Nobody learnt how to swim by being thrown into the deep end. The skills for survival must be taught, without them, your chance for relationship satisfaction will most certainly be short-lived.
The fallout of lack of skills in EQ effects relationships and have never been so apparent in the dating world with people struggling to form connections. Who is teaching the life skill of emotional intelligence? Parents do their best but so many overindulged children grow into adults thinking the world revolves around them. The education system in our schools has limited teaching in the area if EQ. Developing EQ helps young people succeed and cope with challenges presented in both education and interpersonal skills by the time you leave school if you don’t have a basic knowledge of EQ as you enter into adulthood you could certainly find yourself in one frustrated relationship after the next.
The 5 main areas which make up E.Q are:
- Understanding your emotions/self-awareness
- Self-regulating or managing your emotions and the impact they have on others
- Social skills and the ability to communicate effectively
- The ability to display empathy and understand how others are feeling
- Self-motivation, internal drive to set and achieve goals.
The absence of EQ has a profound effect on dating and relationships before you get involved with someone you can identify someone lacking in EQ
So what are the 9 signs that someone is lacking Emotional Intelligence?
1. The inability to control their emotions
We all know people that can fly off the handle and just have no ability of emotional control. When people are unable to manage their emotional reaction they often respond in a disruptive or inappropriate manner.
2. Making jokes at inappropriate times
People who lack emotional intelligence often try to use inappropriate humor or sarcasm as a distraction to avoid emotional recognition. An example of this would be cracking jokes at a funeral to deflect from their true feelings of sadness and grief.
3. They can’t take responsibility for their actions
It’s very frustrating when you get into an argument with someone and the fault in their actions is clear, yet they won’t acknowledge or accept responsibility for it. People who lack emotional intelligence often don’t take responsibility for their own actions. They find it very easy to play the blame game and make it everyone else’s fault but their own.
4. Getting into a lot of arguments
There’s nothing wrong with having the odd argument here and there as it makes for a perfectly normal and healthy relationship but if you know somebody that continuously starts arguments over small, menial problems this is a clear sign of a lack of emotional intelligence.
5. Difficulty maintaining friendships
It’s natural to have a circle of friends, some people like to have a large number of friends in their social circles whereas others prefer having a small select few. It’s when someone is having problems maintaining these friendships and always finding drama within the friendship group that they are showing a lack of emotional intelligence.
6. The ability to have empathy
The ability to have empathy is such an important part of emotional intelligence. People who find it hard to empathize and lack the ability to be able to understand and place themselves in other people’s shoes and show some kind of respect and recognition for what the other person might be going through is a vital sign.
7. Not good listeners
A lack of emotional intelligence is clearly shown through people who constantly interrupt and talk over you particularly in a conflicted environment. They often feel that they are always right and will defend themselves by refusing to listen to what others have to say.
8. Don’t manage stress well
People who tend to become highly stressed easily are not regulating their emotions correctly. Strong emotions are difficult to grasp for those with low emotional intelligence, especially when they are feeling stressed. People of low E.Q often walk away and don’t know how to manage their stress.
9. Limited emotional vocabulary
Someone who has the inability to express and understand what emotions they are actually feeling in a situation is a clear indication they have low emotional intelligence. This often causes them frustration as they have a limited capacity to explain and articulate how they feel to others.
The best thing about emotional intelligence is that it is a learned skill that you can master. To raise your emotional intelligence there are many things you can such as research, work on yourself or you can work one on one with an expert.
I am going to be running a series of workshops on ‘The Art of Connection’ and part of this learning is the ability to understand, read, and empathize with emotional intelligence!
Stay tuned for more updates