In the world of dating, sometimes, we all have to tell someone we don’t want to see them again and this can be a really difficult topic to approach.
Let’s say you’ve been on a couple of dates with someone, they’re perfectly nice, but you simply decide this person isn’t right for you – We’ve all been there! What are you to do? When do you call it quits and how do you go about it?
IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME
One of the common ways to play this out seems to be the old “It’s not you, it’s me” line, paired with “You’re such a fabulous person though”. This is a line and it’s a load of rubbish at that, and everybody knows it.
Although this line can make things a little simpler and you may think you’re doing the other person a favour by using it. Don’t! As a matter of fact, you’re insulting the other person by using it, because we all know this is a line and not the honest truth.
DOES YOUR HONESTY SERVE THE PERSON?
Some of us choose to take the honest way out by being completely honest about why they no longer wish to continue seeing someone. Honesty is a wonderful policy. However, there is a time and a place for honesty and it is extremely important to ensure such honesty will serve the other person.
This sort of honesty does not serve the person, it’s unkind and unnecessary.
– “Wow, I think you’re really great, but I cannot live with the sound of your laughter for the rest of my life”
– “Sorry, your nose is just too big”
– “I really don’t like the look of your toes”
By all means be honest, but only if your reasoning is likely to serve the person, whilst being constructive too.
Even if you’ve only been on a couple of dates with someone, there is absolutely no place for ghosting!
I think the term ‘ghosting’ began when people started to think it was okay to simply never contact someone again because they had only been on one or two dates and hadn’t had sex with the person. People seemed to feel they didn’t owe such people any explanation, nor courtesy.
No matter what the circumstances, ‘ghosting’ is never okay.
After only a couple of dates, you can certainly send the person a text message and simply say “Thank you for your time, it was nice to meet you. However, I don’t wish to continue seeing you”. But simply ignoring someone, is not good form, nor does it reflect well on you and no one enjoys it when it happens to them! Remember this next time you think about ‘ghosting’.
WHEN TO STAY AND WHEN TO CALL IT A DAY?
Once you’ve been dating someone for a few months, cracks often begin to show and you either want to continue seeing the person, or you don’t. So, how do you know when to stay and when to call it a day?
It’s time to call it a day if you are no longer really into the person, or if you’re enjoying the relationship more when you’re not together than when you are – These are both signs things are not going right. But is it not going right with the relationship, or with you?
A lot of people will have a list of all their expectations and requirements in a partner and even when they meet a partner who meets these requirements, somehow, it’s still not enough.
What’s important to remember, is no matter how many boxes a potential partner ticks, there will always be some boxes which they don’t. And at the end of the day, relationships become an important decision, a decision of whether to stay or call it a day.
If your pattern is to decide every single person you date doesn’t have all of the qualities you are looking for, then it may be time to take a good look into your self-mirror.
Choosing to love someone and spend time with them, becomes a decision and it’s important to remember that the ‘heart pounding’, ‘butterflies’ and rush of ‘chemistry’, isn’t necessarily going to last. Therefore, at some point, we are all forced to make the decision in love.
Be very careful when you do end a relationship or potential relationship, to ensure you are actually ending it for the right reasons.
Many people feel guilty when debating ending things with someone, particularly when they know (or at least think they know) this person has deep feelings for them. By feeling this, they take the other person’s feelings onboard, along with the responsibility for those feelings. As hard as it is to end things with someone, it’s not your responsibility to take on the feelings of others.
In addition to that, whilst you’re in such a state of feeling sorry for the person and assuming you’re going to break their heart, there is some self-infatuation at play. You’re also predicting what the future might be by doing this because you haven’t actually broken it off with them yet.
On top of all of that, you’re also assuming this person is going to be more disadvantaged by the breakup. I can assure you, breaking up with someone who you are no longer interested in, is not going to be a disadvantage to them at all. It is actually an advantage because it provides them with a chance to be with someone who is really interested in them and this is what they truly deserve!
So, do not insult someone by using the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line, don’t ‘ghost’, end it with dignity, use honesty in your reasoning (providing it’s likely to serve the person and be constructive), and really think about why you’re ending it with someone and if you are ending it because your heart isn’t in it, simply tell them so.
Another important tip to take from this blog is if you often end things with people because your heart isn’t in it, take a look back and assess how many times this happens too. Look in your self-mirror to ensure you’re not ending these relationships for the wrong reasons.
Last but not least, don’t date if you’re not in a position to fall in love. If it’s not the right time for you, then be on your own – Having time to yourself between relationships is vital.
Want to watch the video version of this blog? Head to my Facebook page and watch video #37 today!
Wishing you love, always,
Louanne Ward x